Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
