I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
