She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
