I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
