If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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