He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
