I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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