Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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