Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
