My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
