If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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