just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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