I am in a vortex of obligation.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
