I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
