I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
