Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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