I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
