textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
