im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
