So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
