So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
a search helicopter?!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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