I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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