your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just gargled with NyQuil
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
