I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
