I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize