I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Pooping to opera.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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