just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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