you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
