If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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