He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
