drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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