this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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