I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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