I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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