Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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