Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
