i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
