actually, I'm a sock model
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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