im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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