I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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