Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
