no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
