If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
