Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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