Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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