he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
