So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
