it was like his penis was on wheels.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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