She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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