and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
