The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
