Your dad touched me again.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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